No family has all the answers when it comes to good communication within its ranks. But we all know communication is key in any kind of relationship, especially those that are struggling to stay afloat. So how can we improve communication within our family? How can we maintain that excellent rapport during both good times and challenging ones?
Why is communication important?
Communication is certainly a 21st century buzzword. At work we learn about communicating with colleagues. In school, we’re taught to communicate with our fellow students and our teachers. And we’re often quite good at it. But why is it often such a struggle when it comes to communicating with those closest to us – our spouses, children, parents, and other relatives?
Consider the definition of communication. The word is generally described as “the transfer of information from one place to another.” Pretty easy, right? Yet counselors and psychologists agree that at the crux of many family arguments and other challenges is the inability to communicate.
Quite simply, communication gives you the opportunity to explain to someone else what you are experiencing. It also allows you to express your needs. Chances are the other people in your family are not mind readers. So, it’s usually difficult for them to ascertain these things if you don’t speak them, write them down, or otherwise relay them. Without constant communication, relationships become “stuck” and there’s little that can be done to fix them until the lines of communication are open.
Furthermore, communication is important because it demonstrates your respect for the other person/people in your family. It lets them know that you value them, their opinions, their needs, and more. Eventually, communication also allows you to feel comfortable with the others in your family and vice versa. That makes for a special kind of closeness.
But it all hangs on you taking the time to find ways to improve communication within your family. So, how do you do that?
Schedule regular family time
We all know that family life in 2023 isn’t what it was in 1953. Adults and children are overwhelmed by technology. Kids are involved in myriad activities that keep them out of the house. Overachieving parents work long hours and have difficulty finding time to do much else. But scheduling time for family members to do things together is paramount in keeping communication flowing.
Family time doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. It could be a regular 30-minute chat each evening (no phones!), a planned family dinner a few times a week, or an outing to the park or to grab some ice cream. During those times, you should make sure everyone’s attention is focused on each other. Introduce topics that allow everyone to share or participate. As the adult in the relationship, you can navigate the conversation so that it remains cordial and so that everyone gets a chance to contribute.
Schedule one-on-one time
Sometimes it’s difficult for both adults and children to discuss problems and needs within a group setting. There are times, instead, when you’ll need to schedule some face-to-face alone time with the individuals in your family.
Even when there’s not an issue to be resolved, one-on-one time is a great idea. It lets that other person know how much you care and that you value time spent alone with them. One-on-one time provides an excellent opportunity to do something that person likes to do, like going fishing or shopping at the latest trendy boutique. It also allows you to make memories that are special to the two of you. But most of all, it lets you both speak freely without fear of anyone else offering an unwanted opinion.
Stress parental unity
You can do lots of activities together, but there’s more to it than that. Good communication starts before those family meetings. It starts with the adults. But when parents aren’t on the same page, so to speak, communication goes awry. That’s why it’s essential to carve out time for you and your co-parenting spouse/ex-spouse/partner to talk about issues that concern your children. Discuss these issues BEFORE you bring them up with your children and, by all means, don’t argue in front of them about things on which you disagree.
Working out your conflicts in private means you can present a more united front when you’re with the kids. Don’t try to “one up” your partner or make so-called “executive decisions” on your own. Kids can get confused when they get conflicting information from their parents and that just creates more upset.
Model positive communication behaviour
We want our children to understand what respect looks like. So, when parents disrespect each other in front of the kids, that’s not the kind of behaviour we want them to model. Instead, it causes bitter feelings, anger, and frustration. It also tends to make the disrespected party less communicative. They close up emotionally and are less likely to share.
Good behaviour also extends to things like language usage. When communication within your family includes positive language and NOT verbal abuse, no one will feel degraded or demoralized. Leave the cuss words, accusations, and other stabs out of your chats. Speak calmly and respectfully.
Good communication also means being an exemplary listener. Sometimes we get too caught up in getting our point across and fail to listen to others who are trying to stress their stance or explain their problems. Studies show that children who believe their parents are engaged listeners have better self-esteem and are also more likely to trust their parents. The same goes for adult partners.
Ask for help
If you feel as if you’ve done everything possible to open up the lines of communication within your family but you’re still struggling to make meaningful progress, it may be time to bring in outside help. Often, a family counselor can be an asset to communication and can teach both parents and children how to better connect. A counselor can not only help you in office but also suggest things that you can do in your everyday life to promote good communication, including games, activities, and more.
At the offices of Dr. Ellie Bolgar, we can be your steppingstone towards better family communication. With decades of experience in individual and family therapy, family mediation, and family law matters, we can assist you in achieving your communication goals and steer you towards the next steps for solving issues that are holding you back and making life difficult.
For more information on our services, call us at 604-371-0198.